I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
