i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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