I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I love having hate sex.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
