I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
