Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
