Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
