i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
