Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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