I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
