Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Randomize