So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
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