Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
