like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he was CRYING into my vagina
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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