Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
