Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
