i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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