dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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