I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
