i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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