I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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