I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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