brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Randomize
