pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
