i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
