I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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