Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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