Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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