I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
