Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
