If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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