The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
