Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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