Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I want a musical about memes.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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