mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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