what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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