At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
The power of my boobs compel you
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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