i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
