i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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