you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
