im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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