Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
