Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
