I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
