You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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