i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
