i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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