so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
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There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
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No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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