There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
