I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
