i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
