Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
