he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
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I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
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I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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