We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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