I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
