I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
