come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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