she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
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Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
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In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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