Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
